WOMEN GET AND STAY ON COURSE
INTERVIEW BY Martha Thomas PORTRAIT BY Lisa Shires
Barbara Polonsky, licensed clinical social worker, has run her private practice, LifePath Counseling Ser
vices, LLC, since 2005. A graduate of the University of Maryland with a master’s degree in social work, Polonsky works with woman in transition, to help them reach their potential and live more independently and successfully. She worked abroad at the American Community School of Istanbul as both a teacher and guidance counselor. In 2008, Barbara became partners with Dr. Matthew Johnson, author of the book “Positive Parenting with a Plan” to create a parenting tool kit. She also works closely with parents, including single parents, to help them implement this behavioral program.
Q Is your practice divided between people who have issues and those who want to accomplish a goal?
Some of the work we do falls along the lines of psychotherapy, that would be someone who has the feeling something is in her way and she wants to get it out of the way. Other times I work in a guiding or coaching capacity. A woman may come in with a clear vision of what she wants; I help with support and ideas about how to go about getting it.
Q Say a woman wants to shift direction. Where do you begin?
If you’re talking about someone who has an idea of what she wants, we talk about things that need to change. A lot of people don’t understand the work involved in the change process. It’s important to stay away from repeating things they have done in the past, things that keep them locked into a place they don’t want to be. I help people look at the patterns, any kind of repeat that keeps them in the same place.
Q Can you give an example?
I work with a woman who lost her father when she was 16 years old. That loss abruptly cut something off and she never reached closure. During that age it’s important to have a bond with a father and for the father to become a role model. This woman subsequently sought to replace him with men in what might have been dysfunctional relationships, men who were more father-like and kept her in a child’s role. She’s now approaching 50 and continues patterns that complicate her life and lead to depression. We’re looking at the needs she is fulfilling with these unsatisfying relationships. And by remembering the good feelings she had with her father, she can use them as a beacon to seek healthy relationships. We also talk about ways she can take better care of herself, such as fostering more female relationships to make sure her emotional needs are being met.
Q What about women with practical issues, like looking for a new job?
That might involve a coaching direction. Together we ask: This is where you are, what do you want that is different and what are you willing to change to make that come about? This might involve taking some risks, going outside of her comfort zone. Assertiveness is a big one for women. Doing little things on a daily basis can reinforce self-esteem and enable someone to take on more risk.
Q “Her Mind” covers lots of women in Howard County who take risks as entrepreneurs. Many commit personal and financial resources. How do you do that without being terrified of failure?
The fear factor is a big hurdle to get over, and sometimes people’s fear can be irrational. I do a little hypnotherapy to go back to where the fear originated to help them understand it’s not related to what they are feeling now. We also go back to a time when they felt really successful and replace the bad feeling with the good one.
Q Do you have a way to help women to do all that it takes to be successful without losing a sense of empathy?
Certain people are driven to succeed, it invites a certain personality. You can’t take away personality traits that help drive them to success in the first place. What you can work with – if a person is unaware of how they are affecting other people – is social skills. They may not see themselves through the eyes of other people. Sometimes there’s anger that they aren’t aware of.
Q Did your own experience starting a practice involve risk?
One of the biggest transformations happened when I left that practice. I experienced fear; the security was gone. I was driven because the boss I left told me I wouldn’t make it.
Q How did you take the steps to succeed?
Most of the people from the practice left when I left; I had a support system through that. I realized I had to do things methodically, think through every step. I made lots of phone calls and asked myself a lot of questions. I went through a women’s entrepreneurial program through the office of unemployment. I had to apply for it. I said I’m going to do this, I have to do this. I was determined to prove I could do something someone had told me I couldn’t do.
Q Have any of your life experiences helped you in your work with clients?
My husband is a construction engineer and had the opportunity to travel to Istanbul to work on a job. I’d given up the chance to go to Germany in graduate school because I was scared. In Turkey I substitute taught and got hired as a guidance counselor at an American school there. I was challenged many times with moving forward or quitting.
Q Did you feel empowered to embrace opportunities?
Yes, because of the challenges, the language for example. For a while I kept myself locked up in the hotel room. Then I signed up for a Turkish class that took up my entire day, between taking a bus to the class and studying. I eventually learned enough about the language to negotiate. If I ever had to look for a place in my life as a marker in transformation, that was the one.
Q What did you learn?
American women have so much more privilege. Cultural rules in some countries cast women in a role.*
