You’d Think Someone Would’ve Mentioned It

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Aging sure beats the alternative, but just like when you had your first kid, there are a lot of things no one tells you. Remember when you thought you’d go home from the hospital in your regular-sized clothes? Or couldn’t someone have mentioned that first post-birth poop would be like squeezing out a porcupine? Well, a porcupine dipped in kerosene and set on fire.

Now that I’ve crested over the proverbial hill (several of them actually), I’m realizing there are things you simply learn on-the-job. Here are 10 of them, in no particular order.

Things I never thought about before they happened to me:

1) I only sneeze when my bladder is full. Said bladder is as sturdy as the no-name paper towel the Bounty people compare to themselves.

2) The day comes when you have to start shaving your toes.

3) I have one tooth that likes to double as a display easel for whatever I eat.

4) My gray hair is not coming in as highlights like I’d planned.

5) I can no longer predict what effect any meal will have on my digestive system.

6) Night sweats can really ruin a great blow-out.

7) Sometimes when I put my driving glasses on top of my head, I discover my reading glasses have already claimed the real estate.

8) It’s not unheard of for me to wake up with an injury I incurred while sleeping.

9) I now order cocktails based solely on the hangover level I’m willing to put up with.

10) I may have already published this list, but frankly I can’t remember.


Blog by: Ellen Virden



Pamela Woolford dances in the barn at the Howard County Conservancy. The barn's exterior was one of the locations she used in her film Generation.

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